Elvis is a ninja.....and other true stories

Wow, Memphis was fun! Who knew? We packed a lot of stuff into the 24 hours we were there. Oh, and Elvis is still alive-but more on that later.

So, the trip started bright and early on Saturday morning. Geared up with snacks and roadtrip CD's, we were ready to roll. The laughing began immediately and we didn't stop until we all got home last night. Have you ever driven along I-55, through the bootheel of Missouri? It's quite, QUITE entertaining. I mean, after all, there's a town called COOTER. I can't make this stuff up.

Did you know that in order to get to Memphis from Missouri you have to go through Arkansas? We sure didn't. And it pissed us off. Seriously, I guess we need a geography lesson or something, but I swear it was Missouri, bootheel, boom, you're in Tennessee. But apparently Arkansas somehow snuck it's way in. For an hour we ranted about how much we hated Arkansas and how it was a waste of space...thus why it has officially been annexed by us and is now forever going to be known as Missouri South, or the Deuce. There's no need for Arkansas, really. And besides, we didn't see one house, proof that no one even lives in Arkansas. We're building a strip mall instead.

Once we arrived in Memphis, we accidentally took a wrong turn and headed straight into the ghetto. I mean, for reals the ghetto. Like, lock your doors and duck kind of ghetto. Yikes. We managed to make it to the Heartbreak Hotel without getting shot. What a hot mess that place was/is. More on that later. We arrived at the front desk giggling. That's when hotel staff, Marquez, should have know that his life had just changed forever. He was laughing at us as we told him of our new found hatred for Arkansas (he apparently already knew that Arkansas was involved on the trip from STL to Memphis). Our crushes on him were immediate.

As we made our way to our room, we admired all the fantastically awful Elvis decor. We got stuck in the elevator that had a picture of Fat Sweaty Elvis, we much preferred the elevator that had the picture of Young Hot Elvis (more on the various Elvi later). Our room was fairly non-descript other than the Elvis pics hanging over the beds. Our first thought was to eat, however, the BBQ place we wanted to go to didn't open until 4pm, so we decided to go on the Graceland tour instead. I love hanging out with freaky Elvis fans. They are a plethora of fun. I'm sure Graceland was pretty bitchin' in the early 1970's, but seriously? It's not even that big. And it's not in a good neighborhood. For reals. Fun fact: did you know that Elvis bought Graceland when he was 22 years old and bought it for $100,000? True story.

We toured the house and grounds and became obsessed with the Elvis jumpsuits. The fatter he got, the more elaborate they got (you know, because fringe and rhinestones make you look thinner). They were awesome. Especially the ones with capes. Oh, oh, OH! Did I mention we got shushed at Graceland? You know, you really shouldn't F with those Elvis freaks. Ok, so maybe we were giggling while in the Meditation Garden (where Elvis and his fam are buried) and maybe some Elvis Freak got mad at us...but all we wanted her to do was move her big butt so we could get a pic of the grave. Geez. People are so touchy. Did you know that, if he were alive today (and he is, more on that later), he would be 75 years old? I wonder what Geriatric Elvis would look like......

Even though we nearly had more fun than we could handle at Graceland, we decided to go for some more at Marlowe's, an infamous Memphis BBQ joint. They pick you up from your hotel in a pink limo. How cool is that? The food was amazing and let me just say, best fried pickles I've ever had. My God, if I lived in the South, I'd weigh 900 pounds....all that fried food is SO good! After dinner, we hit some of the Elvis crap gift shops. You name it, it had Elvis' face on it. Good lord. Saturday night, dressed up in bachelorette gear (Robin and I in "team bride" tshirts and the bachelorette in a tshirt that said "F*ck off, I'm getting married"), we headed down to Beale Street where I discovered a disturbing fact. Memphis is home to some of the most racist white people I have ever met. I mean, seriously. As soon as we got there (via shuttle, no drinking and driving here!), some white lady told us we'd picked the wrong weekend to be there because it was Southern Heritage weekend and all the...GASP...."blacks" would be out. She then told us we should leave before midnight because things got really crazy then and it was no place for young white girls to be. Um....what? Lady, one, we're from St. Louis, we've seen African American people and two, it's people like you that make this world still suck. So, you know what? Ignoring her and her racism, us Whitey's forged on and guess what? The black folks that were supposedly so scary LOVED us! I mean, hello, DUH. We were three white girls in neon colored wigs-whats not to love? One guy (in a Phillies hat-we chatted about them for awhile as I informed him they will be my NL pick) even wanted to be in a pic with us....because we're awesome. Rest assured, we never at any time felt unsafe (even the freakin cops down there are racist!) and had a wonderful time down on Beale Street. I feel sorry for the intolerant. They're a bunch of a-holes.

Once back at the hotel, we continued the drinking by playing an Elvis movie drinking game....yes, there was an all Elvis channel (duh) that showed his various movies 24/7. First of all, those movies are HORRIBLE? Mary Tyler Moore as a nun? WTF? And Elvis as a doctor curing Autism? Um, really? The drinking game didn't last long as we were pretty tired...so off to bed we went, with visions of Elvis dancing in our heads.

Ok, so I have never been the girl that thinks Elvis was hot. In fact, I've always been Team Beatles (you had to pick one you know). I knew a few Elvis songs and I knew he got fat and hooked on prescription meds, but other than that, my Elvis knowledge was nil. So, imagine my surprise when we discovered this:
Hot, Sexy Bearded Elvis. Who knew????

On Sunday, after a quick breakfast with the church crowd at IHOP, we went and saw the rest of the Elvis crap, including touring his plane, the Lisa Marie. It was totally pimped out and awesome. I wanted to fly it. In fact, I said "lets get this bird in the air" which prompted my friends to nearly wet their pants in laughter. I'm funny, what can I say? After a tour of the car museum, we made our way across the street to the Elvis Wailing Wall. You know, the rock wall in front of Graceland. Once we obtained a Sharpie, the message we left was this: "Elvis is a ninja". I'm sure no one else has left this particular message. But we now know the truth. After the lights kept flashing in our hotel room, we knew the "ghost" of Elvis had spoken...and let us in on his secret (another sign were the various owls we saw-there was one outside the hotel, one on one of the giant belt buckles that Elvis wore and one at Lamberts). He was, in fact, not dead, and is alive and well (albeit elderly), living in the upstairs portion of Graceland. Why else would they not let anyone up there? Rumor has it the only people that have ever seen the upstairs are immediate family and Nicolas Cage. Um...what? Anyway, Elvis being a ninja makes perfect sense if you think about it.

After leaving our mark, we headed for home. A drive through southern Missouri is not complete without a trip to Lamberts in Sikeston, Mo. For those that don't know, Lamberts is the Home of the Throwed Rolls. For reals. They throw rolls at you. And you eat your food off paper towels. My kind of place. They walk around with giant bowls of whatever they've made that day (yesterday it was fried okra and fried potatoes) and give it to you on papertowels. They also have an actual menu, but seriously, once you've eaten your weight in rolls and fried foods, there isn't much room left. We had to literally roll ourselves out of there. I don't even want to eat my leftovers I brought home. Ugh.

All in all, it was a GREAT trip! Who knew Elvis stalking could be so fun? Currently planning a movie night to watch Hot Sexy Bearded Elvis' movies......