KD's breakdown of this weekend's Cubs-vs-Cards series

DISCLAIMER: I am by no means a baseball expert. In fact, most of the time I have no idea what in the hell I'm talking about and am mostly inspired by the hot men in tight baseball pants (although I have been in Brett Favre's crotch so that makes me sort of a sports expert. More on that story later). That being said, I am still offering you my analysis of this weekend's series.

Cubs-vs-Cards. An age-old rivalry that, for the most part, is pretty fun. There is plenty of smack talking back and forth, clear lines are drawn (you cannot, under any circumstances, waver between the two-you pick a team and you STICK WITH IT. Rules are rules.). I prefer to have fun with it, probably because, more often than not, the Cards beat my precious Cubbies, so I figure it's best to be a good sport about it. If the Cubs win, it's just an added bonus. Speaking of, the Cubs best chance of winning a game this weekend would probably be tonight. The Cubs Friday starter is none other than Theodore Roosevelt BAD ASS Lilly. The man saves kittens and underpriviledged youth(should TOTALLY win the Roberto Clemente award this year, but whatever) but could also kill you with his bare hands and/or steal your manhood. Just ask Yadier Molina. Ted has been the Cubs best and most consistent pitcher all season. That, and he's pretty damn adorable. Ted has a pretty good record against the Cardinals. Let's hope that trend continues.The Cards counter with John Smoltz. Now, I want you to know, I truly respect the man, I do. But he's old. My hope is that his arm falls off tonight. That would be sweet. And isn't this pic effin funny?

Saturday's game features the Cubs Ryan Dempster. I chose this pic of Demp because he looks like a psycho. The team's jokester, Demp is certainly the most fun. As for his pitching abilities, well, when he's on, he's pretty damn good (last start? Eight shut out innings....niiiiiice). When he's off? Well, let's just say it's a bit rough to sit through. Which Demp will I get to see in person tomorrow? Only time will tell........

The Cards counter on Saturday with Chris Carpenter who is most likely in the Top 3 candidates for the NL Cy Young this year. This frightens me. My only hope is that he is the Carp from his last start (disastrous) and not the Carp he's been the rest of the season. If he's on, not even Ted Lilly will be able to save the Cubbies....

Sunday's Cubs starter is Carlos Zambrano. I didn't need to find a pic of him looking like a psycho because he is a psycho. Big Z is a bit off his rocker and most likely needs some sort of psychotropic medication, but that's a side issue. The main issue is this-Big Z is allegedly the Cubs ace, yet has basically pitched like a total a-hole all season. And did I mention he's crazy? I truly don't have high hopes for this game......

The Cards pitcher on Sunday is Adam Wainwright, who just happens to have the most wins in the NL and is right there with Carpenter for the Cy Young considerations. Bastard. He didn't pitch so well his last start, but that was most likely an isolated incident.

So there you have it. KD's non-expert prediction? Cubs go 1-2 this weekend. I figure, I set my expectations low so that if by some grace of God the Cubs win more than one, I'll get to be pleasantly surprised.

Thank God I'll be drinking tomorrow...........