Dear Cubs

Dear 2009 Chicago Cubs,

I have been a fan of your team for 20+ years. Through good times and bad (mostly bad), I have been there for you, cheering away, facing harassment from friends and family down here in Cardinals country, essentially risking my life in order to cheer you on. It's a brave, and possibly stupid, task I've taken on.

I only have one thing to say to you: GFY Cubs. GFY for your inability to score runs, for your inability to get extra-base hits, for your inability to get poor Randy Wells an effin win already! GFY Alfonso Soriano for completely sucking ass. GFY Jim Hendry for trading the only man us Cubs fans have ever truly loved (we miss you Mark DeRosa!). The starting pitching is damn near the best in the Majors and they have NOTHING to show for it. Quite honestly, it's a damned miracle that this team is only 2.5 back in the NL Central. Mind boggling, actually. I mean,you just lost 2 of 3 to the Ass-tros. The Astros? Dude, they are so terrible I could beat them playing left-handed. I'm just sayin.

There are a few bright spots: the aforementioned starting pitching (I heart you Ted Lilly!), the bullpen has been less frightening as of late, D Lee is actually starting to hit and Micah Hoffpauir is a sexy beast. That's about it.

So, to sum it up, 2009 Cubs, I'm gonna need you to start getting it together. We're mid-way through June now. No more of this "it's early" crap. It's time to get your heads out of your collective asses and do this already. I say this with love.

Sincerely,

Cubs Fan In Missouri Who Desperately Wants You To Win And Who Has A Completely Inappropriate Crush on Micah Hoffpauir (sorry to Micah's wife, who I'm sure is a lovely woman).