A fan letter

Dear Kevin Gregg,

Why do you continue to do things that make me want to hate you? Why? Last night's "performance" made me want to get in my car, drive to Detroit and beat you in the head. I didn't, but I wanted to.

Perhaps you are confused about what the closer's role is. Please allow me to explain it to you. Granted, I'm just a girl from southern Missouri and have never played a professional sport before, but I'm pretty sure I get it. The closer comes into a baseball game when their team has a lead and his job is to....wait for it....wait for it....his job is to SAVE the game. The closer typically only has to face three batters, sometimes four if you walk someone, but typically, what is asked of the closer is not too much.

Here are some things that the closer should NOT do. He should not throw wild pitches. He should not give up base hits in the bottom of the 9th inning, and he sure as HELL should not give up game ending two run homers in the bottom of the 9th allowing his team to lose and the other team to win.

I think maybe you've been confused this whole time, Mr. Gregg. Perhaps your role has not been clearly explained to you. Is that it? Please tell me that's it and the real issue isn't that you just suck.

It is suddenly becoming clearer why everyone in Florida hated you (I read blogs, I know this is true), it's suddenly clearer why, prior to you joining my precious Cubbies, I had never heard of you. It is suddenly clearer why, oh wait, I got nothin......

There is a thin line between love and hate Mr. Gregg. A thin line. And you are on that line my friend. In fact, if you weren't so devastatingly handsome in a sexy Clark Kent sort of way, I would totally hate you right now. I would. You would be my least favorite Cub, probably EVER (and that's including Bob Scanlan, Neal Cotts and Jason Marquis-that's BAD Mr. Gregg. REAL bad).

So, here's what I would like to see happen. You, as the closer, need to save games. You need to get people out and call it a day. You get paid millions of dollars a year, I don't see why this is so hard. I'm tired of sitting on the edge of my couch every time you pitch, anxious as hell and in desperate need of some Xanax or Ativan. I'm tired of yelling "GFY Gregg" at my TV. I'm tired of sitting through a fairly well played game (including a Micah Hoffpauir homer-HOLLA), only to be bitterly disappointed in the end....because you came into the game.

So, Mr. Kevin Gregg, if you could just stop the sucking, that would be great. Because I am not above gathering an angry mob together (I know people, Kevin Gregg) and driving up to whatever city you're in at the time, and beating you with a sack full o'nickels. Got it?

Sincerely,

Kerri M. Davidson, Cubs fan extraordinaire and soon-to-be president of the Kevin Gregg Sucks Fan Club